By Dan Reiter
In the beginning, God created the seas. And the Spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters. And when The Lord saw that the waters were without form, He said, “Let there be waves,” and there were waves. Then, seeing that the waves were good; indeed they were very good, The Lord God took the rest of the day off.
The Lord God planted some islands eastward in the Pacific, and upon every reef and bay he made the waters to rise and peel away in clean points. And the winds blew pleasantly offshore all the day long, so that the waves were ideal for riding. And God created the Ancient Hawaiians to inhabit His islands, and to tend and keep them. And the Lord God commanded them, saying, “Every wave of these islands you may freely surf, only I command you, do not snake each other.”
When Duke was two hundred and four years old, he begat Blake, who lived to be one hundred and seventeen. And Blake begat Edwards, and Edwards begat Dora…
Now it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of oceans, and especially in Southern California, that God saw the great wickedness of surfers, whose every intent and thought of their hearts was only evil continually. And the Lord was sorry He had filled the lineups so, and He said, “I will destroy these surfers whom I have created, for I am sorry I have made so many of them.” And He cast a terrible flatness over the whole of the seas, and drove them all inland, to the Valley.
After Dora had been on the Ha’ena coast two years, God tested him. He said, “Dora! Take your board, your only Da Cat which you love with all your heart, and offer it as a burnt sacrifice up on the mountain.” So Dora rose early in the morning, and he split the wood for the burnt offering, and went with his board up to the mountain. And Dora built an altar there and placed the wood in order; and he bound his only board on the altar upon the wood. But the Angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said, “Dora! Do not lay your hand on that board, for I know now that you believe in Me.” Then Dora lifted his eyes, and over the cliffs a towering set wave came rolling in from the north.
Exodus 7:17-11:9 (The Plagues)
I: Red tide:
“I will strike the water, and it shall be turned to blood. The fish shall die, the sea itself shall stink, and the throats and eyes of the surfers shall burn as with fire.”
“The ocean shall swarm with jellyfish, and they shall froth and writhe upon all your people.”
“And all seaweed of the seas shall become infested with lice.”
“I shall send swarms of kooks upon you, upon your secret spots, so that they shall form an unbroken line across the beach.”
“A deadly pestilence shall leak out from the bowels of the cities, and contaminate all the seas.”
VI: Fat, Pasty Children in Rubber Rings:
“And great hordes of fat, pasty children in rubber rings shall float in the shorebreak so as to block out your people from the plentiful barrels of the high tide.”
“And the seas shall foment, and the onshore winds shall batter the coast day and night without respite.”
“And I will bring blunt-headed sharks into your country. They shall fill the sea and devour the last remnant left of you in the water after the onshores.”
“And I will make the sun to burn your flesh, so that boils come up on the surface of your skin.”
X: The Final Plague:
“And finally, I shall groom the waters, and blow the winds favorably, so that you shall be tempted out. And thenceforth I shall bring upon you sweepers, great hordes of sweepers, like a forest upon the surface of the sea.”
1 Kings 3:16
Two men came to the king and stood before him, and the first said, “Please, my lord, this dude and I surf the same break; and when I was checking the waves, he ganked my board from my car.” But the second surfer said, “No, the board is mine!” And so they argued before the king. Then the king said, “Bring me a sword. Now divide the board in two; we will give half to the one, and half to the other.” But the first surfer, who loved the board, said to the king, “Please, my lord, it is a local handmade shape! Give him the board; do not cut it!” The king responded, “Give the board to this dude, here. He is the rightful owner.”
Happy are those who do not drift along with crowds, for their delight is the solitude of the waves. Their faith needs not the affirmation of others.
The Lord is my sheperd; I shall not want. He makes me tuck down into green barrels; He leads me out through calm channels. He restores my soul; He lifts me across steep faces and engages my rail in His name.
Do not be afraid when some become rich, for when they die they will carry nothing away. Concern yourself not with wealth, but with the wind and the 20-mile buoy.
Whoever tries to regulate wins abuse; a kook will only hate you for it. The wise, when regulated, will heed you. Give instruction to the wise, and they shall become wiser still.
Chop hopping is an abomination to the Lord; smoothness is his delight. All those who check their spray invite disgrace.
Blessed are the groms, for they shall inherit the waves.
“But I say to you that if you paddle out at a local break you will be liable to judgment; and if you drop in on someone you will be liable to the hell of fire.”
Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in the water: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both Surfing and your job.
Matthew 16: 26
What good does it serve a man who discovers a secret sandbar, but brings no board with him?
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “Love the sponger as yourself.”
When Slater had taken the trophy, the three finalists and the twenty-four competitors fell before him, each holding golden bowls full of incense. And his radiance was like a very rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal.
Originally published in the Beachside Resident
More by Dan Reiter at dan-reiter.com